This weekend I got a bit out of my comfort zone and attended a SUP (Stand Up Paddle Board) Yoga class on Sunday morning. When the weather in NorCal starts to reach the temperature of the sun, the amazing Lisa Weber will offer this class at what is called the Forebay Aquatic Center, about 20 minutes from Chico. I’ve done the whole SUP thing before and loved it and I’ve dabbled with yoga, which I would love to do more of, but I’ve never combined the two – so why the heck not? Faced with the opportunity to drag myself out of my cozy bed early on a Sunday to get half naked and stand on a wobbly board in the middle of cold swampy water while attempting poses that I rarely do in real life sounded exactly like the kind of challenge my weekend needed. I’m fairly athletic and a little bit competitive, mainly with myself, so I set the goal for the morning to be NOT falling in.
In my mommy/wife life, I often lack the opportunity to really focus. I can’t think about anything important for a long period of time because my days are filled with constant distractions (kids) and being “in control” is a struggle. As a mom to three boys, I’ve had to become queen of being able to change direction at any given moment. I’ll admit, every now and then, I like to have the fantasy that I know exactly how my day is going to play out and I’ll dream up these grandiose plans of doing some sort of awesome project with the boys or maybe even actually getting out of the house – but typically whatever plans I actually have will be derailed, and well – there goes the concept of control right out the window. This is probably why I like to be IN control when I can be, which honestly isn’t all that often – and usually only pertains to my career life and the little bit of time I get to just be Sarah, with no other humans or plans or ideas or distractions attached. This is also why I decided that I didn’t want to fall the f**k in when I went to the SUP yoga class, as I imagined it would be an entire hour in which I would be completely in control.
So I did the class, and Lisa is so zen and beautiful and amazing, and I love her instruction. As I had planned, I stayed on the board, I hit most of the poses, probably looked totally ridiculous at times, and I even held a headstand for a few seconds, all while staying dry. I also could have pushed a lot harder, I could have definitely lost control and I could have absolutely landed in the water, but I didn’t. I didn’t fall in…
All day yesterday the same thought kept jumping through my mind. Why didn’t I just fall the F**K in? It would have been so much better if I had. Why didn’t I let go just a little bit, push past that point of comfort, and make a splash? I am and always have been an absolute risk taker. I’m a rebel at heart, I like to see how far I can go and what I can do, but every now and then I miss an opportunity to really live because of the lack of control that I often have at home – and when I’m living my “just Sarah” life, I sometimes forget to fall, to give in, to just let go. The reality is, I need that “falling in” part of me. That part of me defines me. It’s why I like to lift heavy weights and and not follow recipes but create them. It’s why I like to laugh too loud and be silly. It’s why I like to take random tequila shots on a completely inappropriate afternoon and it’s why I keep getting tattoos and why I will always wear cowboy boots and it’s why I love to swear. It’s why I love life, it’s why I’ve worked so hard to ditch my insecurities and to be happy. The fact is, I really really like to let go and just be – but after years of being a mom and of not having control over all sorts of crazy shit – I sometimes find myself forgetting about those parts of me that make me ME and I forget to fall the f**k in.
I don’t know why it’s sometimes hard for me to embrace that part of me that makes me Sarah, especially when I know that falling in is all I need to do in order to find what I’m looking for – or at least during the fall I’ll be given the opportunity to see things from a different perspective. Sometimes falling, and falling really freaking hard helps me to have clarity, even if others might judge me based on how hard I hit the water, or what it looks like from their vantage point as I fall. Every single time I’ve just let go and let life happen, I’ve never regretted the choice to do so, and it’s always been the right thing to do – despite how scary, or cold, or unknown the plummet might be, there’s so much freedom in the fall. There’s hope that everything will turn out exactly as it should. There’s reassurance that once you get back on your board, once the chill of the water wears off, that you’ll understand what you must do to regain your balance. When I made myself stay on the board during that class, I missed out on a huge opportunity. If I could have felt the icy water on my skin for just a minute, I would have felt the heat from the sun even stronger, I would have enjoyed filling my lungs with the warm air even more, I would have pushed through the next pose with greater intensity because I would have known that if I fell in again, it would all be ok.
I’m glad I went to the SUP yoga class and I’ll absolutely go again, but next time my plan is to fall the F**K in. Furthermore, during my “just Sarah” moments when I have a chance to just be me, when I have an opportunity to gain some control, I’ll try to remember instead to lose control just a bit and let the answers come to me, to not be so unwilling to take a plunge, no matter how out of control it might make me feel. I’ll let life happen as it should, I’ll let the cold water surround me and embrace me and I’ll remind myself that falling is freedom. Letting go is what makes life mysterious and beautiful and it’s what makes every moment count, especially the falls.
What are you doing to be a little less in control? What is your big fall that in the end, brought you peace and clarity? Are you practicing your meditation and learning to let go? I know I am. Every time I meditate these days I’m focusing on letting go, on dreaming big, and on trusting. Now dear readers go make a splash and don’t be afraid to fall the f**k in!
THIS…. was something I needed to hear oh so very much. Thank you!
Thank you April! Glad it helped. 🙂
F%*!ckin love it Chica! Ready for your new podcast already!!!
Don’t worry – SOON, I promise! I can’t wait either!!!!!
This speaks volumes to me! Thanks for those words to just let go and fall the f**K in! This will be my new inspiration for this summer. It’s hard finding myself when I’m having “my time”, too! I feel the same way as you.
You are so welcome Donielle! Together we can make this the summer of letting go and just Falling the F**K In! 😉
Great read! I feel like, especially right now, that I need to regain my control. When everything around me seems to be falling apart I feel the need to stay focused and control whatever I can. I hope to be in that place again soon where I can let go and grow and learn…or maybe you can do both….?…..
I think you absolutely CAN do both! It’s about knowing when it’s ok to fall and trusting that the fall is always worth it – and as a busy mom it’s really hard to trust that!
Totally inspiring, as always!!
Thank you!!! 🙂
Oh my gahhhhhhd I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who felt this way afterwards! I was in the same class that Sun morning. And my goal was not to fall. But then afterwards I thought to myself ‘well that was good but you didn’t let go dammit!’
You were definitely not alone Liz!!! 🙂
“there’s so much freedom in the fall.” Love this! You’re true, open and honest. Wonderful read.
Thank you Tazie!
I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked myself the same question…. letting go is freeing but so hard to do. Glad to know I’m not the only one out there that forgets this!
You are absolutely not the only one who feels this way – it’s a constant process, this journey called life, and we need to remind each other to let go and just BE!!!! 🙂
Perfect timing! Somewhere along the way I’ve lost the brave, fearless “girl” that use to rule my world.
Your words hit home. Being a Mom who has to be in impossible control of the chaos of two boys has been life changing in so many great ways…but I miss the “girl”. I think I need to fall in the f**king water a little more.
Thank you!!
You haven’t lost her, I promise, she’s still in there – you just have to remember where you left her and FALL IN!!! Embrace her, embrace the fall, let go girl – you got this!
This brought tears to my eyes. I am a single mom that is constantly trying to keep every little detail together while balancing a long distance relationship- which I have done for over 6 years, and a long commute to and from work because I know my bills are getting paid. I have a lot of ideas and passion for other things but because of my safety net (that rut) I have never jumped ship to make things happen that may lead to other fabulous things in my life. The moments I am happiest are when I am doing my thing and being me which include hiking in the great northern MN woods and attending concerts alone. It is me in my element. This touched me. Thank you.
Hi Sarah – being in your element is part of being YOU – and when you do have a chance to do the things you love, that define you, that make you YOU – just be in the moment completely, breathe it all in, love it, love YOU and as your kids get older you’ll have more time to be the part of you that’s ALL you! For me I’ll do little things, like the few moments I might have alone in the car, I’ll crank the music, roll down the windows, and just sing!!! Letting go even a little bit everyday helps. I’ll be thinking about you!!!!
Thank you.
“I don’t know why it’s sometimes hard for me to embrace that part of me that makes me Sarah”
This really resonated with me! I can be a very un-conventional person in many senses of the word and while I am happy with who I am, it can be tough to embrace those things that make me unique as well. Perhaps because somewhere down the road we were made to feel bad about that, whether from someone else or just inside our own heads. Which is total BS I know, but I think it happens to us all. Fear and doubt so easily creep into our minds. I suppose focusing on what makes us happy in the moment can help us to be OK with who we really are. Thanks for another great insightful post! (And I want to try Stand-up yoga on a paddle-board someday too!)
Ohhh April, you are so spot on!! I think it’s conditioned for us to NOT embrace the quirkiness that makes us who we are. I am SO not the “typical mom” or the “typical 39 year old” and when I was younger it was harder to embrace but now I’m in that great place where I more or less don’t give as much of a F*** as I used to and I really love who I am and letting go a bit more is so awesome and freeing and gratifying! 🙂
The majority do not stray to from the center line. The not knowing, the need to control, the need not to get wet.
It’s when you fall in and get wet, get lost, get away from the center line that life can become enriched. When the adventure begins, best stories are created.
Thank you for sharing you thoughts and insights Sarah.
Beautifully said Paul, thank you so much!
I am not near so articulate as you but I am going to try and be somewhat coherent. Being in control, out of control or losing control or what have you is just a matter of perspective. What is in control for one may be chaos for another. You will feel like you in “control” when you don’t let it bother you. Relax and enjoy the ride whether in control or not. My grandpa was just a dumb old Indian and I am try to be the same.
I appreciate you spending the time relating your thoughts and insights.
Totally understand your thoughts Roy and love your perspective! Thank you so much for sharing!
Any kind of cheese is NOT Paleo. Have you studied Loren Cordain?
This is EXACTLY why I shut down Everyday Paleo and started to blog exclusively at SarahFragoso.com.
Let me refer you to this post that explains my food philosophy. https://sarahfragoso.com/eat-food-that-doesnt-hurt/
Wow, just what I needed. I’m 46…soon to turn 47 and proud of it.
This is really a great read. I’m finding in my life right now…I think my age has something to do with it..that I’m exploring how to grow and become stronger.
Paleo and meditation definitely help.
Thank you so much Sarah☀️
So awesome Maryjo! I just told someone to day that my goal as I age is to simply get better – better, stronger, wiser, and more capable of falling in!!!
This is the most insightful thing I’ve ever read! No truer words were ever spoken! Thank you Sarah! It’s so hard to switch “mom” off and be us again!