Sometimes I’m afraid to feel. I’m in a profession where I help people. I take on their problems, and their goals, and their issues, and I feel them right along with them. It makes me really good at what I do, but sometimes, I’m afraid to feel what I feel – for fear that I’ll see what needs to be different, better, worse, right, wrong, or what is really happening in my own life. I have an AMAZING life – I am so incredibly blessed, but that doesn’t make my life easy – and that also makes me afraid to feel.
What might happen if for one day I just let-it-all-go? That’s what I’m working on right now. What if I allow myself to really feel the pain, the joy, the anger, the frustration, the love, the hate, and the fear. Would I suddenly crumble? Would my heart just stop? Would I cry forever and drown in my own tears? Would I become manic and go between huddled in the corner – to laughing uncontrollably – to screaming and yelling? I don’t know, but I’m trying to find out, because life is too shot to only focus on what other people feel or how other people think I feel and now and then I need to remind myself what really truly is Sarah Fragoso, and I challenge you to find out every now and then, what really truly is you.
Back when I was a teenager, I was really damn good at “just being” and although my “just being self” was sometimes expressed in a reckless sort of way, reckless can be very therapeutic. That sense of “just being” can be scary but also freeing and good in it’s own way. It’s probably why I have so many tattoos.
Since having children, I’ve ratcheted down my emotional response a little bit, in order to be present for my children, in order to get through the days that might be especially hard, and in order to “hold it all together” because I have to take care of a lot of people. I’m not minimizing the importance of being in control and I just don’t jive with being overly emotional or reactionary. I’ve always preached that we can choose to be happy and “ok” in a lot of situations, but I’m also learning and wanting, no needing to admit that sometimes it’s deleterious to always be ok. YOU are not always ok, my kids are not always ok, my clients are not always ok, and I’m not always ok.
Am I selfish for thinking this way? Am I wrong for sometimes wanting more or needing more? Am I selfish for admitting that Sarah Fragoso is not always ok? I used to think so, but not so much at the present, because why should I acquiesce just to maintain joy – joy is ever present and real and divine but it does not have to be the star of my play all of the time because there’s more to me than my smile. I also want to rage, I want to play, I want to run away, I want to scream and sing and dance, I want to cry, I want to love with a fiery passion, I want to be out of control, I want to be alone, I want to be together – and out of those list of things I find myself only doing the ones that are safe or acceptable but I’m not always safe or acceptable and neither or my emotions – so maybe feeling just a little bit more will help me be a little bit more of all of those things that make me, me.
What are you working on in your own life? Are you feeling all the feels or are you playing it safe?
LOVE this, Sarah!!! Sometimes it IS so hard…..being mom, wife, mom of a college student….feeling and not feeling that I’m sad that he’s gone to college (first semester) 6hrs away. Trying to make peace with a job I don’t love (but will be leaving soon so not feeling so I can get through the last few months), trying to make peace with the fact that the college student is supposed to be living his life differently now and spreading his wings….loving the future that my husband and I have ahead of us….lots of feels. 🙂 HUGS!!! (yes, THAT Penny)
Thank you Penny!! YES, lots of feels for sure. Hugs back to you as well!!
Love this Sarah! It totally ties to what you posted on my photo the other day, sometimes we can fake the funk but I think its much more valuable to really feel and express what you’re feeling. I have found this with my anxiety specifically. I used to hold it in and not let my friends or family know what inner turmoil I was experiencing, but now I voice it and don’t care if that makes me look weak. As always your words provide much guidance and hope for me. 🙂 <3
Thank you sweet girl – and what I’m learning is when we are weak and vulnerable and SHARE it – that’s what makes us strong. 🙂
Love this and love you dearly!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Love you too sweet Traci!
Love this, Sarah! Thank you for sharing.
Can’t wait to finally meet you in March!
Thank you Erica! Looking forward to meeting you as well!!
Love this, Sarah! Great post.
Can’t wait to finally meet you in March at the retreat!
Thank You so much for this! I too have “to many feeling” And that is coming from my now adult children! But even if that’s so and there are LOTS of us unique folks in the world, it’s not a bad thing! It just means we are present, in the moment, we are experiencing life! I own it and now I live it with all of my emotions! Life is Grand
I say STAY CALM AND LIVE
I love it – Stay Calm and Live will be my new mantra. Thank you!!!! 🙂
I bet it was really scary to hit “publish” on this one. But I’m glad you did, because I’ve been feeling this way lately, too. And I am one who hates to admit that everything is most assuredly not ok. Ultimately, I believe it will be ok in the end. But it’s not always ok in the present, and sometimes I think we really do have to acknowledge that in order to move on healthfully. Thank you.
It was scary – absolutely – but I’ve made a promise to myself to be honest on this blog and part of my creative healing is WRITING – and it feels great to me to express myself in this fashion. I love what you said, about ultimately it will be ok in the end – I really believe that too, especially when you are open to seeing the good that always comes from something that’s not so great… Thank you so much!!! 🙂
Very powerful blog Sarah. I think the supermom job is already unreasonable, but trying to do it and always appear like you’ve got it under control is a disaster waiting to happen, and it robs those that love and care about you the opportunity to give back to you.
I think letting yourself experience and truly feel it all, and be okay with whatever that is, will keep your life on the rails, and (in the end) the smile on your face.;-)
We, none of us, are always “okay”!
Thanks Doc, I always love your perspective, and I agree – truly experiencing and feeling it all, no matter what that might be, most definitely has been helping me keep my life on the rails, so to speak.
I think I probably play it a little bit safe. 🙂 Is there anything helpful you’ve done in practice since you’ve decided to focus more on this?
Yes! I talk more. Invite a girlfriend out to breakfast and REALLY talk – stop sugar coating everything – doesn’t mean you have to be a drama queen, but practice being honest! I say “I’m ok” a lot and I’m learning that with people who really love me and people I really trust, it’s ok to not always be OK and to share that when you need to – it makes it so much easier to move on in life with a positive outlook if you can admit when sometimes life just sucks.
Fantastic blog post, Sarah!!! Knowing, loving, and accepting yourself on all levels, for better or for worse-mind, body, and spirit, is a process and an adventure!!! It’s amazing to see you helping people take that journey! LOVE YOU, SISTER FRIEND!!!
Love you too sister friend! So blessed to have you and your amazing support in my crazy life! xoxo