Sometimes I’m afraid to feel. I’m in a profession where I help people. I take on their problems, and their goals, and their issues, and I feel them right along with them. It makes me really good at what I do, but sometimes, I’m afraid to feel what I feel – for fear that I’ll see what needs to be different, better, worse, right, wrong, or what is really happening in my own life. I have an AMAZING life – I am so incredibly blessed, but that doesn’t make my life easy – and that also makes me afraid to feel.
What might happen if for one day I just let-it-all-go? That’s what I’m working on right now. What if I allow myself to really feel the pain, the joy, the anger, the frustration, the love, the hate, and the fear. Would I suddenly crumble? Would my heart just stop? Would I cry forever and drown in my own tears? Would I become manic and go between huddled in the corner – to laughing uncontrollably – to screaming and yelling? I don’t know, but I’m trying to find out, because life is too shot to only focus on what other people feel or how other people think I feel and now and then I need to remind myself what really truly is Sarah Fragoso, and I challenge you to find out every now and then, what really truly is you.
Back when I was a teenager, I was really damn good at “just being” and although my “just being self” was sometimes expressed in a reckless sort of way, reckless can be very therapeutic. That sense of “just being” can be scary but also freeing and good in it’s own way. It’s probably why I have so many tattoos.
Since having children, I’ve ratcheted down my emotional response a little bit, in order to be present for my children, in order to get through the days that might be especially hard, and in order to “hold it all together” because I have to take care of a lot of people. I’m not minimizing the importance of being in control and I just don’t jive with being overly emotional or reactionary. I’ve always preached that we can choose to be happy and “ok” in a lot of situations, but I’m also learning and wanting, no needing to admit that sometimes it’s deleterious to always be ok. YOU are not always ok, my kids are not always ok, my clients are not always ok, and I’m not always ok.
Am I selfish for thinking this way? Am I wrong for sometimes wanting more or needing more? Am I selfish for admitting that Sarah Fragoso is not always ok? I used to think so, but not so much at the present, because why should I acquiesce just to maintain joy – joy is ever present and real and divine but it does not have to be the star of my play all of the time because there’s more to me than my smile. I also want to rage, I want to play, I want to run away, I want to scream and sing and dance, I want to cry, I want to love with a fiery passion, I want to be out of control, I want to be alone, I want to be together – and out of those list of things I find myself only doing the ones that are safe or acceptable but I’m not always safe or acceptable and neither or my emotions – so maybe feeling just a little bit more will help me be a little bit more of all of those things that make me, me.
What are you working on in your own life? Are you feeling all the feels or are you playing it safe?