Musings and Introspection

Will You Ever Heal?

Will I ever heal? That’s a question I have thought about often when looking at my own life. My life is not perfect and neither is yours. We all have emotional trauma, illness, or some sort of challenge from past injuries or relationships or losses. The question is; how do you get over the emotional scars that life leaves in its wake? I’ve finally come to a conclusion and although you may not love my answer; don’t give up and walk away, read this until the end!


In short, nope, I don’t think we ever really “heal”. I’ve read a lot of books on “healing”, I’ve listened to a lot of radio psychologist talk about this very subject, I even went so far as to grind out a college degree in psychology while pregnant with Rowan and finished my degree during the first year of his life, all in the pursuit of figuring out if “healing” is possible? Some say you can. Some try to show you the “way”.  Some want you to believe that getting over your emotional trauma is essential to happiness and than you feel like a failure when you realize that the pain is still present. Please, stop torturing yourself for being human because I’m here to tell you – you won’t ever truly heal…

Like a wound that scars over, the pain will not be as deep, but the evidence is always there, a stark and blatant reminder of the intense trauma of when the injury first happened, and when someone slams a hammer into that old wound, it will hurt just as bad as the day it happened. Our hearts, our souls, are very much laced with scars from what life has dealt to us, and although the pain subsides, the evidence will always be there.  I can hear what you are asking me now, “Sarah, how do you move on?” “If you never really heal, what hope do I have of being happy, living my life to the fullest despite the sadness that creeps in from all those emotional scars?” Well, here’s my answer, because despite my belief that healing won’t happen; I do believe that choosing to be ok is the answer to happiness.

Let me give you an example. Every. Single. Day. The loss of my mom from cancer cuts me like a knife. On May 14th was the 10-year anniversary of her passing and I awoke that morning with the same feeling that hit me 10 years ago, maybe with even a bit more raw emotion. I cried for my mom in the shower that morning, angry that she wasn’t there to help me learn how to be a good parent to my boys, frustrated that I couldn’t call her to tell her how much I love her, desperate to hear her voice and to feel her warm embrace. I got out of the shower, pulled myself together, and like every day since the day she died, I made a choice. That particular day, and everyday, I choose to take care of myself, to meditate and to be thankful for all that I have. I choose to hug my little family close, and to take the boys outside and play in the sunshine, and to laugh with them. I choose to go to work, to hug my clients and to help them have a wonderful session in the gym. I do my best to fill them all with confidence, to build their emotional and physical strength, and to send them on there way, healthier and happier than when they came through the door. I choose to nourish my body with amazing food and I choose to go to bed at a decent time, curled up with a good book. I choose to find solace in the arms of my husband who counts on me and loves me. Everyday I choose, despite sadness, despite loss, despite pain that’s very very real –  I choose to be very very happy.

Does that mean I am healed? No. But I am ok. I will live my life to its fullest. I will miss my mom and I will cry for her, and I’ll deal with other trauma and grief that I’ve experienced in my life, but I will not wallow. I will not let this scar be the only part of who I am. I have many scars. I have many demons. But I know how to quiet them. I know how to choose. Some of the happiest people I know are those who have suffered the most but these people somehow understand this important lesson that I’m trying to share with you – we always have options. We always can choose. We always can decide to be inspiring instead of withering. Don’t plan on healing from all of your emotional wounds, that will just end with disappointment and depression when you realize that your losses, your scars, your memories of life’s toils will never disappear – that’s what makes us human – but like embers in the ashes we can still shine bright and make this world a better place. We can teach our children to feel all the feels but still be happy. We can be ok, because we choose to be.

Please stop trying to heal, start choosing to live and remember that those who truly succeed at life will hold their scars up proudly and will find strength in their sadness and hope in their defeat.


Sarah Fragoso

Sarah Fragoso is an international best selling author of 6 books, co-owner of the Chico, CA based gym JS Strength and Conditioning, and founder of the Everyday Paleo franchise. Sarah is the co-host of the popular Sarah and Dr. Brooke Show podcast and she also conducts workshops and retreats on the subjects of nutrition, lifestyle and fitness.

Her message is from the heart and she carries a genuine desire to help other families looking for guidance. These attributes have contributed to her successes and provide the drive to keep the discoveries coming.

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  1. Heidi w says:

    Sarah, Thank you for this, especially now. I still hear your voice telling me to heal, it’s been a year long process. We have less than a month with my Mom and will are currently moving her into hospice. Each day, is a new beginning. Each day I know that I can show those I love with gratitude and love for having them in my life, or choose to lose that moment in time. I’ve learned to wait on some things, do what I can, eat well, put myself first so I can be there for everyone else. It’s been a huge year for me, fitness has had to wait, but emotionally I’ve been able to perform better than I ever could have imagined. It’s not ideal or perfect by any means but each day I’ve been able to find my strength. My special thanks and love to you all.

    1. Thank you so much Heidi for your comment and love to you during this difficult time.

  2. This is bittersweet and TRUE, in my experience. Although it may sound like bad news to some, it is actually great news. Every day and every moment, we get to choose. Our scars and mistakes define us as much as our victories and accomplishments. Thanks for writing this one!

    1. Thank you Dana! Love your thoughts on this. It is great news if you have the right perspective!

  3. Sarah…beautifully said. You are right we don’t heal, but we work the wounds within our lives to grow and make it better.

    1. I love your thoughts Denise “We work the wounds within our lives to grow and make it better.” YES!

  4. Michele Laine says:

    Spot on!! We are who we are today from our experiences: good, bad, happy and sad- they mold us. Allowing ourselves to feel and choosing to move forward is part of the process of picking up our feet and putting one step in front of the other. Life is not perfect, in fact life is messy, but I think the key of our existence is learning we don’t have to go it alone!! Remembering those in our lives who made it sparkle, feeling all the emotions and passing forward knowledge along the way. Thank you for always being an inspiration, for being you, and for sharing your journey with all of us. You are a life warrior for sure!! Although the scars never heal, our hearts and minds are resilient. We continue to learn more, love more and keep moving on together!

    1. YES, moving on together is the most important thing and surrounding yourself with good, positive, amazing people that help you on your journey rather than holding you back. So true! xoxo

  5. Micki F says:

    Beautifully said Sarah! I lost my only child when she was 17, and I try to explain to people that it never goes away. You will learn to live with it, accept it, make choices and go on.
    Numerous health issues in the last year have me at that same impasse again, “is this ever going to stop?” Your words could not come at a better time. I needed that reminder that *how* I deal with what I am about to deal with, will be just as important as the health issue itself. Thank you!

    1. I could not imagine enduring your type of loss Micki and I admire you for making choices that are right for YOU in order to move on, although the wound will never truly heal. It is people like you that inspire me the most. Big hugs to you!

  6. Christine says:

    Nice post, Sarah. We all face hard times in life – I lost my mom to cancer when I was 22. I had my dad until he was almost 80 – still too youg to die, but cancer doesn’t care…I think about what life would be like if they were still here, and it hurts. We never stop needs our parents.

    But then I look at all the good times I’ve had and try to remember that life is what we make it. I have a bit of each of them in me, and that comforts me.

    We all have our own unique journey on this planet…

    1. Thank you Christine! You know, your sentiment is something that really helps me too. I think often of all the time I did have with my mom and all that I learned from her – from how to boil and egg to the importance of breastfeeding my children and everything in between and I’m so grateful. Sometimes I’ll hear my mom’s voice in my own words and years ago, I would sometimes say something that would sound just like something my mom would say and it would drive me crazy but now I love it when it happens because it feels like she is still such a big part of me and who I am. Thank you for sharing!

  7. Chantel says:

    Can i just carry you around in my pocket every day to get a constant dose of challenge and inspiration?!?! I kid. But not really. Such good advice!

    The whole idea that we are individuals who are responsible for our own choices (daily) is something I try to instillbin my kids. However, I need to make sure I am doing the same thing (and not wallowing)! Thanks for this!

    1. Hi Chantel, YES I’m absolutely available for riding around in pockets, as long as you feed me! 😉

      I too am trying to instill this message in my kiddos. It’s hard when you are little to realize that we are responsible for how we react to the world around us and it’s a hard concept to grasp but I try to lead by example and hope that someday they get it but I’m not always perfect at practicing what I preach – but perfection is silly – so I just keep on trying and growing and hoping to be better each day!

  8. Jessi says:

    Beautifully said, and your message came at just the right time for me. Thank you.

    1. Thank you Jessi! So glad the post was helpful for you. 🙂

  9. Laura says:

    Excellent post – bittersweet, but true nonetheless. I lost my dad when I was 14 – 26yrs ago – and I still feel the pull of how it affected my life. However, I chose to learn from it, live my life, have fond memories. I often remember him as I’m doing random things and I can’t help but smile.

    I know a few people who have a hard time with this – it is a tough one to learn/practice, especially when life throws us a curve ball.

    1. Thank you Laura for your comment, and I love what you said about how you chose to learn from it, and to live you life. 🙂

  10. Gustavo Correa says:

    Hi Sarah… I appreciate your story. You’re a champion. May I ask you what you studied, besides psicology? Did you become a PE trainer?
    Your career choice seems amazing to me. I would love to help people like that!

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